I want to break down the word relationship and what can come up internally when I think of relationship. How does it look? What does it mean? Who do I have a relationship with? And can I have a meaningful authentic balls out relationship? Yep! I said it, balls out, or at least I wrote it!
First-what does a relationship look like?
Does it look like two friends sitting over coffee talking, smiling, laughing, and both talking and listening? Or does it look like a couple discussing bills, fighting over money, fighting about discipline, sharing intimate moments, having sex? Can it be when a client sits with his/her therapist telling their dark secrets, sharing about their shame, guilt, happiness, sadness, joy, and light times? Is there one formula for how all these scenarios look?
Second- What does the word relationship mean?
I define the word relationship by feeling some sort of connection with another person, myself, or God. What do I mean by connection you say? Well, I think of connection as a bind, something that feels permanent for a temporary time in space. It could be for a moment, years, or lifetime.
Webster defines relationship as- “: the way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other: a romantic or sexual friendship between two people: the way in which two or more people or things are connected”- http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/relationship .
Apparently Webster and I have the same idea about connection being involved in relationship. I think that when it comes to therapy and authentic relationship, much more than connection is involved, however, I will get to that later! For now I’m focusing on connection and relationship. For me, as a therapist, it is when I feel alive and fully present when sitting with my client. Feeling alive, for me, means feeling my emotions, feeling into what is going on in the client and in the room. We are sharing this space in time where I am there and you are there. We are here together, healing, connecting, and sharing what it means to be human. With this I am fully present, well as present as I can be. I am constantly grounding, coming back to my breath, my feet, and my body. Noticing thoughts float by like leaves on a river, they don’t define me, or you, we are not defined by our thoughts. Thoughts are not stagnant, I am not stagnant, you are not stagnant, we are not stagnant. This is what relationship means to me, well at least a glimpse!
Third- Who do I have a relationship with?
First, I would say we all have a relationship with ourselves. We can either be our best friend or worst enemy, and then we also have this ability to be somewhere in between. My experience is that by the time clients come into my office they often have this skewed view that they are existentially flawed. People have bought into the idea that they are worthless, when in fact, no one is, NO ONE IS!! You, yes, you, are a child of God, He calls you His own Genesis 1:27 and Psalm 139:1–2. Whether you are a Christian or not, I believe God calls each person on the earth, His child. To me, that is a pretty big deal and I bring this belief into how I work as a therapist.
Second, we have a relationship with our primary caregivers. Those who first care for us, whether we had a desirable experience or if it left us desiring a deeper connection we can carry these first relationships into other relationships. Something I hear a lot is, “why can’t I get over the past?” I believe it is because these bonds are what our nervous system mimics. In other words, we learn from repeated exposure to our environment. It is from these experiences that we start to form who we are in the world, whether accurate or not. Is there hope to change the undesirable you ask? You bet! It is through new interactions that you can start to see yourself through a better lens. My hope is that through therapy you can start seeing all parts of yourself as a loving God sees you.
Third, we have a relationship with God, no matter whom or what we call God; we have some sort of connection. Whether you are an atheist or fundamental Christian, a thought, emotion, and sensation happens when you read the name God. I don’t know your experience; however, I know that in me I have all types of thoughts, emotions, and sensations. Apparently God means a lot of different things to me, body, mind, soul. I wonder how this notion of God plays out in your daily interactions. Do you pray, meditate, celebrate once a week with a bunch of others, is the Divine living in you, do you explore nature and find God there? Are you allowed to praise the Creator in more than one way? Is it something you have to do or is it something you want to do and explore more deeply? No matter where you are with any of this, I am more than willing to explore and go as deep as you need.
Fourth- Can I have an authentic BALLS OUT relationship with…?
My answer to this question yes, no matter who is at the end of the inquiry. The way I look at it is if you are in my office then part of you is willing to explore all parts of yourself, even the painful parts. All of this means that you can have an authentic bare all, balls out relationship! None of this means that it will be easy or lack pain. In fact, it means that you will find obstacles, run into resistance, ambivalence will be in places you never thought, and this is only the beginning. Without losing sight of what is ahead you will be able to enjoy the sweetness of living in an authentic BALLS OUT relationship with anyone, especially you!
by Lynn Harnack, MA, EMDRII
9/05/2014
