I was having lunch with a friend the other day when she asked if I had been meditating lately, as a new parent I laughed and said, “no, but I have been regulating a lot, I guess that parenting is meditation”, she replied, “Yeah, you’re right”. We both laughed.
Yes, parenting can be a form of a mindfulness practice. Being a parent is the biggest call to mindfulness I have yet to encounter. Having a crying and screaming baby or a child throwing a tantrum can be extremely overwhelming and cause parents to feel like a failure. You can become deregulated and before you know it everything has escalated from 0-60 in a manner of seconds. The baby can’t stop screaming and your child has thrown him/herself to the ground in the middle of the grocery store. So now here are some questions that might come up, how did I get here? How do I get out of this cycle?
When I said to my friend, “You know it is like this little person is an extension of me”, she said, “Yeah, that feeling never changes, and you don’t have to live like they are an extension of you.”; when not handled with the best care this can become enmeshment.
This is where a call to mindfulness and regulation comes into play. First, let me just write the obvious, it is sooo hard to regulate when our little one is having a hard time. Often times we do not even want to regulate because it does not feel natural to us. We have been operating one way and now this little mirror, aka, baby, come into our lives and throws off our whole nervous system. However, we know this way of living is not working well and deescalating takes longer than it could.
So, how to avoid this trap of enmeshment, deregulation, and resenting your situation? Well, it isn’t easy. First when you are not with the baby try doing one thing during the day for yourself. Whether it is a cup of coffee alone first thing in the morning, or a cup of tea at night after baby falls asleep, you need to set a time aside for yourself. As parents we can be under the misguidance that doing something for you is selfish, when in fact it is just the opposite. You need time to recharge and time to remember that you are your own person. You have needs that are necessary for you to pay attention to and require care. Second, regulation is key in any relationship, especially one with your baby. One of the better ways to regulate is to take a time out. Start using your five senses, go outside, what do you see, hear, smell, taste, and what do you feel. This is just one way to get back into your body and calls you to be mindful at the same time. How to not fall into the trap of resentment? Well, I always remind myself that everything is temporary; especially with children. Their situation changes all the time and because of that so does mine.
Pretty soon the cycle starts to change and you are able to be mindful when new situations arise. And then you are not as mindful at other times. With a mindfulness practice you can learn that compassion and forgiveness especially of self can be the best gift to you and your baby as a parent.
